(This essay might be a bit of a tough one, it is not designed to make anyone feel guilty, shamed or bad. We do better, only after we know better. These words below are an invitation to more peace, harmony, safety, and joy.)

Violence is the use of physical force so as to injure, abuse, damage, or destroy (Merriam Webster Dictionary). Most of us feel pretty confident labeling certain acts as violent and in many cases we can agree to a pretty good consensus. 

However, when it comes to violence against children we often have greatly differing opinions. Which of these are labeled as violence?

• spanking 
• slapping 
• washing a mouth with soap
• yelling
• time out

This next statement might be really radical for some folks. I encourage you to grab a chair, a cup of tea, and stick around. 

All of those actions are violence. We often use them with the intention to teach a lesson, to shape or change “bad” behavior, to raise good members of society. However, our intentions do not matter when our actions are violent. Children do not learn from our intentions. Learning does not come from violence, in fact we are not capable of learning new information when we are exposed to violence. When we are engaged in a violent event our brains are in fight, flight, or freeze mode and are unable to access our logic centers. 

Aaah, but wait, “When I spank my child, she learns not to do that thing again.” It is true, she may not do that thing again (she also may), but it is not because the spanking educated her on values, boundaries, behaviors, it is because a fear response is created. Following the spanking the child’s brain builds associations between her parent and being hurt. Her brain learns to connect associations between her parent and pain. Intellectually she may also connect that doing ___ will result in a spanking, but more importantly her brain learns her parent can be dangerous, a threat, someone who harms her. And none of us want that. 

Seigel and Bryson in The Power of Showing Up explain that when a child is harmed by the person who is supposed to keep them safe it creates disorganization within the child’s brain. It is confusing to their brain and almost impossible to process how to respond when one part of their brain is insisting they go towards their parent (their safe person) for comfort and another part is telling them to get away from the threat by fighting or fleeing. That is too intense for anyone’s brain, but in particular for a child. How can those two diverging thoughts ever be reconciled? 

Spanking, slapping, washing a mouth with soap, yelling, and even time out (isolation) are violence. (This is not an all inclusive list, just some of the most common.) In each of these scenarios harm is happening to the child. Their brain is being told they are so bad, they are so wrong they deserve harm or isolation. Even if we tell them “This is about your choices, actions, decisions, not about you as a person,” their brain processes it as about them. Their brain cannot separate the (violent) actions being thrust upon them and themselves as a human being. 

If we repeatedly use these strategies in raising our children, we are risking not only their sense of self, their sense of worth, but a lasting and lifelong relationship with them after they leave our homes. We are also setting the stage for our grandchildren to receive the same types of violence because we tend to parent how we were parented. 

So what do we do? How do we parent without violence? We focus on our own behavior, we make parent centric changes within our home, we change our behaviors first. 

What does this look like?

• Self Regulation
• Co Regulation with our children
• Awareness of developmental norms (e.g., it is normal for a child to be incapable of sharing before age 4; it is normal for a child to forget to do their chores; it is normal for a teen to be impulsive and make a dangerous choice)
• Belief that our children, like us, are doing the best they can with what they have in each moment
• Recognizing how we grow when we are supported and applying this same truth to our children so we can support, comfort, and love them through their feelings, emotions, mistakes
• Lots of communication outside of “the moments” 
• Creating boundaries based on chosen values versus rules based on inherited beliefs
• Repair when we make mistakes, apologizing to our children and promising to do our best to do better

And most importantly of all, the continual showing up imperfectly. We don’t have to get this parenting gig right 100% of the time, we just have to be committed to showing up each day and starting again when we don’t show up the way we want to. 

Stepping away from punishment can feel really scary and it can feel liberating because when we parent from intentional choices we feel better and we get to watch our children become their best versions of themselves. 

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If you long to create more harmony, peace, and joy in your home and with your children, please consider signing up for one of my parent coaching courses where you will learn real, tangible, long term solutions for parenting with intention and connection.