“I must have told you 53 times to do ______.”

“You are __ years old and should know better.”

“You are the older child, how do you think this is okay?”

Ooof, these and similar sentences are ingrained in so much of our parenting beliefs. They project not only frustration, but also shame, judgment, and perhaps even disdain. These words are not merely based on an authoritarian approach to raising children, but they deny the humanity of our children as well as their brain capacity. 

Okay, let’s take a deep breath because that was admittedly a lot given so many of us, doing the very best we can, have spoken these exact or similar words to our children. Breaking the generational patterns of authoritarian or power over parenting requires intention, patience (with ourselves as much as with our children), forgiveness (of ourselves), and PRACTICE. 

When we practice empowered or intentional parenting we do so with the intent of parenting for the long term, building connections with our children that will last long beyond the 18 years we may have with them as “housemates.” We must create support systems within our parenting that embrace our children’s humanity even when (especially when?) our strategies and their strategies are not in alignment.

I recently heard a story that showcased what being an empowered parent looks like. When we go to a beach there are often red flags or ropes denoting what areas of the water are safe and which are not. We also see lifeguards stationed every x number of feet watching swimmers with binoculars, ready to jump into the deep depths and rescue anyone at any time. Lifeguards will jump down, run out into the water, and rescue the teenager who was drinking alcohol all day in the hot sun and starts to drown. They will jump down, run out into the water, and rescue a person who is a known swim star. They will even jump down, run out into the water, and rescue the person who veers into the marked off areas. 

Lifeguards respond with compassion, safety, and the presumption that the swimmers made a mistake, not a manipulation or disregard for rules even when the swimmers “should have known better.” The support system of lifeguards at the beach recognizes that humans are doing the best they can in almost all scenarios AND humans make mistakes AND humans are worthy of continual support. Lifeguards offer and give support even when others would deem us unworthy.

If, as parents and caregivers, we accept the value of empowered parenting then we must too accept the self responsibility that we will need to continue to support our children all the way through until their prefrontal cortex has finished developing (sometime between ages 24 – 26). 

“Oooh, but wait, I don’t want to raise a kid who can’t do anything for themself or a kid who gets away with everything. How will they ever learn if I do everything for them?” And here is the beauty – not only is SUPPORT different from leniency, it is gifted to adults regularly. 

Has your co-parent ever said, “Hey! I will pick up the kids from school so you can rest this afternoon?” Has your co-worker ever offered to help you with a project when it was clear you were overwhelmed? Has your friend ever brought you dinner or bought you a coffee to let you know they have your back? When those things happen, we feel cared for, appreciated, supported, and very often more willing and capable to keep going.

Those same feelings of being nurtured occur in our children when we support them. “Hey! I know we agreed you would empty the dishwasher and it is getting close to dinner, can you do that now or in 15 minutes when you finish your game or do you need help from me to get it done?” How would that feel to ask? How would that feel to hear? Would that create more or less harmony in a home? Do we grow and do more from a place of shame or from a place of love and support? (Hint: growth comes from love and support.)

Supporting our children looks like compassion, love, and awareness. It opens the doorway to connection. It creates harmony because it honors the humanity in our children. It is not always easy, it is much easier to make demands and expectations. However, with the use of self regulation and self responsibility we can grow children who are not only responsible and compassionate, but who are independent because they received a safe environment where mistakes were allowed and where growth was offered, supported, and encouraged.

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If you love the idea of creating more harmony in your home and with your children, please consider signing up for one of my parent coaching courses where you will learn real, tangible, long term solutions for parenting with intention and connection.