Transcript:

Hello. Welcome to the Planting Rainbows Parent Coaching podcast. This is the place where moms come to create peace, play, and possibility in their parenting. No matter how old their kids are or how badly they feel about the job they are doing as parents. At Planting Rainbows Parent Coaching, we help moms discover how to make parenting less hard and more joy-filled, we focus on progress over perfection, showing up again and again. And again. All while doing the best we can. I am so glad you are here. Please visit PlantingRainbows.com to subscribe to our weekly newsletter so you never miss a podcast.

Today on the show we are talking about taking a parenting risk. Are you ready for it? This might feel a bit radical and a bit dangerous AND I hope you jump into the deep end with me.

But first, How are you doing? This parenting life is hard stuff. Society loves to tell us, “Being a parent, especially being a mom is a natural role that anyone who has a good heart can fall into and succeed at.”

Guess what? That’s not true. It is not easy at all. At least for almost all of us. And that’s okay, you are okay.

So today I invite you to tell another mom your truth, especially if your truth is, “This is the toughest job I have ever had” and you have permission to not preface it with “I love my kids but”

So that’s my first invitation today…and I’m gonna go ahead and go first, “This being a mom is the toughest job I’ve ever had.”

Feel free to at me if you don’t have a person in your life to share that with. The first rule of this podcast, is we get to be honest about the struggle and we are not going to feel guilty for the struggle.

I know you are doing your best. I hope you are using that language with yourself. Are you?

Do you tell yourself that? Are you modeling that language, those words, “I am doing my best.” for your kids to hear?

Sticking with honesty, I am often satisfied and exasperated when I hear my kids telling me, “Mama I am doing my best” or when one of them tells me the other is doing their best. “Mama, she’s doing her best!”

The exasperation is just because sometimes I want their best to be better – totally unfair I know. Super unfair. But then because they tell me they are doing their best it gives me a really good reminder that their best has to be enough. Which usually helps me take a breath and lighten up.

And bonus, if their best is enough, it means mine is too. And so is yours.

The satisfaction part I feel, when they tell me they‘re doing their best, is they’re using that vocabulary, “I am doing my best. When we have words to describe our experiences we get to live more fully and ultimately with more ease.

So now that we have acknowledged we are all doing our best, we get to challenge ourselves with a question we ask our kids. And so this is the part that might feel a little dangerous. We are going to live on the edge. And so the question is, “How was my parenting today?” Or “How did my parenting feel for you today?”

Ooof – are you ready for that?

We have to be willing to hear the answer before we ask and be regulated enough, calm, grounded, feeling comfortable enough to accept the answer no matter what it is.

Because sometimes it feels brutal.

Sometimes my kids will tell me, “When you did blabbity blah I did not like it. I felt sad.” Sometimes a clients’ kids will say, “I didn’t like that you did this at the store or after school or on the drive home.”

Sometimes our kids say, “Pretty good, I liked when you did x y or z.”

Here is a not so secret secret. Maybe it’s a secret, it’s not going to be a secret after the next 30 seconds.

The answer to that question, “How is my parenting?” is not as important as the question. Of course the answer is important, right? We wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. And we need to listen to the answer, but the very act of asking, asking that question lets our kids know we are trying our best and we want our best to be good for them even though sometimes it falls flat.

This can be an opportunity for growth in so many ways. We might get to apologize (oooh did you read last week’s newsletter all about apologies? I can re-send it if you hit me up). We might get to apologize.

We might get to connect deeply with our child over something we did really well or through a really open conversation about what we will do differently next time.

We might just get to practice active listening, getting curious, really listening like what they are saying is the most important words we have ever heard and we get to acknowledge we hear their words and appreciate their honesty.

The goal is not to explain away our mistakes or to get verbally beat up because of our errors, or even to get some parenting praise. The goal is deeper connection with our kids. When we are in a relationship with another human being we get to be open to the big conversations, we get to have those big conversations with our kids and sometimes that means sometimes tough conversations.

Sometimes it means joyful conversations.

We don’t know what we will get until we ask the question and hear the answer and then talk to each other.

This strategy works with all kids. Our littles might say, “Oh, Good mama, I like you kiss my boo boo.” Our older kids might say, “You were all right” and leave it at that. Or they might give us some work to do. And our older kids might delight our hearts with remembering one of our finer moments.

No matter the answer, no matter the conversation, the opportunity for deeper connection is created when we go into the experience with an open heart. And we can ask that same open heartedness of our kids too, “Hey I am going to ask you a question, I want your honest answer and I need you to be gentle if the answer is not a happy one.” Kids will appreciate the respect we are showing them by asking and our willingness to listen to their hearts.

And so, remember my first invitation? To share how you are really doing with this parenting work? And to give yourself permission to know you are enough, to know you are not alone in this hard work of parenting.

My second invitation is to ask your children or child, “How was my parenting today?”

You might discover that like sharing your truths can create a sense of community, that no matter the answer your child gives you both feel closer to each other afterwards or you build the community within your home a little stronger. And there is nothing radical about that, but there is a lot of sensational goodness in it!

Keep doing your best. Keep using that language silently and aloud, “I am doing my best.” Because I know you are. I love you. You are enough.

Thanks for joining me today. If you want personalized one-to-one coaching where you will be seen, heard, believed, and you will be able to transform your parenting for more peace, more joy, and more connection with your children visit PlantingRainbows.com where you can schedule a free 20 minute call with me, Kristi. This call is free and low stress, you get to share your struggles and I will listen. Then we will see if we would be a good fit to work together. It may be the best 20 minutes of your week and the start of one of the best parenting decisions you ever make.

Thank you for tuning in to the Planting Rainbows Parent Coaching podcast. The place where mamas find their peace, play, and possibility in their parenting. I love you all. You are enough.