Sometimes we just need a strategy that can be a quick fix to help bring the level of chaos or angst down in our homes. While I firmly believe the only way we create a truly lasting harmonious and peaceful home is to do parent centric work focused on secure attachments, brain science, and regulation, there are a few things we can all start with that work right away. 

Today let’s talk about what happens when we simply STOP TALKING.

(Simple? And oh so complex!)

Our kids really want to be heard, seen, and believed. A beautiful way to connect with our kids is to just listen. No lectures, no advice, no recommendations, not even a sneaky, “If it was me, I would…” Just be quiet. 

Starting with curiosity, “Tell me more about that.” 

Working into deeper feelings, “When you say ____, how does that feel for you?”

Exploring their beliefs and ideas, “I wonder what else might be true?”

Listening to our kids, really listening to them is a gift of untold measure we can offer at any time. All people want to be validated (and all feelings are valid) and want to be seen as worthy of being heard. Even if there is some piece of advice or some tidbit of knowledge we know, we just know, would help our child, it can almost always wait for another time. Really.

One client recently shared* how her child was extremely upset about a hurtful interaction she had with a friend at school.  Her child was angry, sad, disappointed, surprised, frustrated…she had not expected a friend to use unkind language (“You are a coward!” “You don’t even know how to do anything!”) and her child reacted with her own angry words including threatening to physically fight her friend. 

This client shared that she listened to her child rage and say hard things to hear (“I want to punch her in the face!”) for twenty minutes. As a self proclaimed pacifist this mama struggled to hear her child speak of a desire to use violence and detail vengeful plans without interrupting her child with admonitions of, “Violence is never the answer,” or “In our family we use words, not our fists.” This dedicated mom said she literally had to (gently!) bite her tongue at times from offering advice, sharing alternative viewpoints, or giving corrections. However, she kept listening and kept reminding herself to breathe slowly and deeply and trust that her daughter just needed to be heard in those moments. 

When it seemed like her daughter was done, she asked her, “Is there anything more you want to tell me?” Her daughter angrily said, “No! You talk!” Taking a few slow deep breaths she reminded herself that her daughter was dysregulated and her words while rough were not spoken to harm her, she said instead, “Oh honey, that all sounds really hard. Can I give you a hug?” Her daughter accepted the hug and her mom just held her, offering soothing and validating comments, “You are so hurt right now.” “This is really yucky for you.” “It makes sense you feel so sad and angry.” 

Once again, she was biting her tongue to refrain from offering advice. Her daughter asked, “Aren’t you going to tell me how I am wrong for wanting to hurt her?” This mom, who has been practicing listening intently replied, “No, I just want to be here for you right now and we can figure out a plan another time.” Her daughter physically relaxed at that point, almost as if melting from a solid to liquid, clearly relieved to have been heard and listened to, validated, and loved.

After an hour or two when her daughter was relaxing in the backyard with another friend, her mom made a list of three concerns she had from her daughter’s “monologue” for them to discuss a couple days later when her daughter was regulated, calm, and ready to work through solutions. Her mom reported that while being patient to discuss her concerns, being open to her daughter’s anger and sorrow, and listening without judgment were not easy, the connection she built from those actions were monumental in her relationship with her daughter. She said, “I know I won’t always get it “right,” but seeing the relief on my child’s face as I just listened to her and let her know her feelings were okay and she was okay was one of my greatest parenting moments in 17 years of being a mom.”

And all she did was LISTEN! Not always the easiest of tasks, especially when our kids are really feeling big emotions and using really loud and angry words, but it works. Listening teaches our kids that they have value, that no matter how big or hard or chaotic their feelings, beliefs, ideas are, we still love them and we know they are worthy of being heard.

A couple days later, this client asked her daughter if they could have a date at their local coffee shop to talk about what happened at school that day. Her daughter agreed (a little reluctantly) and so they talked while sipping lattes. This mom listened, asked curiosity based questions, asked for consent before giving advice, and they had a really productive conversation that left both of them feeling heard, seen, and validated. As they were leaving the coffee shop, her daughter said, “I know I said some really horrible things the other day, I didn’t really want to punch her, I guess, but I loved that you let me be mad. It was nice that you just let me be mad and let it all out. And you didn’t tell me what I had to do. You just let me say everything.” Her daughter learned that her mama will love her through all her feelings and that all her feelings are okay. Her daughter gained a more secure attachment to her mom and to herself in those twenty minutes of being heard and then grew her relationship even more with the follow up conversation where they could talk through the situation calmly, while regulated, and with the bonus of yummy beverages!

When we listen to our children and speak to them in the same way we want to be spoken to, we build connection and grow relationship. This is the gold, the magic, the beauty in intentional parenting and all it takes is to stop talking and listen. 

*Story shared with permission

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If you long to create more harmony, peace, and joy in your home and with your children, please consider signing up for one of my parent coaching courses where you will learn real, tangible, long term solutions for parenting with intention and connection.