Today my youngest daughter was eagerly waiting to eat breakfast with me. The oatmeal was gooey and bubbly in the instant pot, but I wanted to finish “just one more thing” before taking a break. You know how it is: if I can get this done before that, then doing the other thing and getting ready for something else will be easier. 

She and I were sitting next to each other on the couch while I worked. She asked again about eating breakfast and I told her I was almost done and then we would eat. A few moments later she said, “Mama, I want to tell you how it feels in my stomach.”

My ears popped wide open, I stopped working, turned to her, and with absolute tunnel vision asked, “How does it feel?” She replied, “It is really hungry. Usually I eat right away when I wake up, but since I don’t have any cereal and had to wait for oatmeal, I am really hungry and it feels really empty in my stomach. And I am starting to get mad at you.”

My heart exploded with joy. I looked at her and said, “Let’s go eat breakfast then, right now!” I asked, “That seems like a lot of downstairs and upstairs brain work. Was it?” She looked at me with the hint of a smile and said, “Yes.” 

Peaceful parenting, intentional parenting, conscious parenting…it works to change families and heal relationships. Her downstairs brain was telling her she was not safe, it was telling her she was not having her needs for nourishment met, it was telling her there is danger here and you need to fight or fly because it might be a tiger. She was able to hit her Pause Button and think, “Wait a minute, I know things are not right for me, but I don’t think it is a tiger. I don’t think I need to fight or fly. I can use my upstairs brain and communicate my need to see if that works first.”

She doesn’t see the mindsight or the brain science behind what she did. She said, “But I knew I wasn’t unsafe.” And of course, her upstairs brain knew that, her left brain knew that. But her downstairs brain? The part of us designed to protect us, designed to make us listen to our nervous system and keep us safe was getting ready to fight, which for her looks like crying and sometimes yelling. Her downstairs brain was letting her know a tiger was lurking around the corner. And while she doesn’t really get that our brains will consider any threat, any unmet need to be a tiger, she does understand that she can hit that Pause Button and do a little investigation to see if there is a way that feels better to meet her needs.

Since beginning my training with Jai institute I have been practicing my lessons on my kids and very often sharing the brain science I am immersing myself in. Today felt like the beginning of the generational change I hope to grow in my kids. By learning how to regulate myself, by talking out loud, and by imperfectly showing up in this work everyday, my kids will learn to do the same for themselves and their relationships. And that is how we heal the world, one child, one parent, and one family at a time.